Some may say that I’m greedy getting 2 diagnoses, when hundreds of thousands of people wait years to just get one. Well, rest assured, I served my time without one for about 50 years. No-one really noticed that I was different because I hid it very well.
Masking
Many people put on a mask or persona to help them to fit in and feel accepted. It’s not being dishonest but rather protecting yourself from hurt and rejection by trying to appear “normal.” Some people can tell though. No matter how good you are at mimicking neurotypical behaviour, there’s always something that gives you away. If I knew what it was I’d tell you, but I still haven’t learnt in all the years I’ve been trying to find out.
Mimicking
One of the reasons that neurodivergence goes undiagnosed in girls when they’re young, is that they can hide it so well. Another is that the diagnostic criteria for ADHD and autism were based on male behaviour for a long time.
Girls learn to fit in by observing how other girls behave and copying that behaviour. Which only takes you so far when you don’t understand the reasons for that behaviour. For me, I am constantly trying to understand the rules. I never really understood girl friendships. I’m very open and honest and tell things as they are. In my experience boys appreciate that more than girls. I can’t lie and I don’t see why people would. It always comes as a shock to me when I find out that I accidentally upset someone by being too honest. I value honesty and I wish people would just be honest with me. If you don’t tell me, I don’t know! (I have said that so many times I’m thinking of having a t-shirt made.)
The relief of getting a diagnosis
I didn’t seek my own diagnosis until a few years ago because I’d never really thought about it. I always knew I was different but I didn’t know why. I became aware of neurodivergence when I supported my daughter through her diagnosis. We’re not the same but there were enough comparisons that I took an online test to see if I may have some of the same traits.
ADHD
ADHD has 3 main subtypes; inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive and combined. Symptoms in women can include difficulties with:
focus (daydreaming and distractibility)
memory
procrastination
rejection sensitivity
restlessness
There’s a lot more to it, but there are loads of resources that already exist. I’d start with the NHS page on ADHD in adults and maybe have a look at ADHD UK.
Some women don’t think it applies to them because they’re not hyperactive, but you can just have inattentive type. If you’re prone to daydreaming, staring out of the window and just can’t seem to find the energy to finish things sometimes, it may be worth looking in to.
Autism
I got my ADHD diagnosis first as my symptoms are definitely of the impulsive and impatient variety. If I want to do something, I want to do it now but if I don’t, ‘computer says no.’
I do have other traits that just didn’t fit with ADHD. ADHD thrives on chaos, but I need rules. I hate ambiguity, moving goalposts, shifting sands and don’t get me started on injustice.
They are such contradictory conditions. It’s a very strange thing to live with. I always thought that I had 2 different sides to me because I’m a Gemini.
Relief
Like many people, I didn’t feel that my own self-diagnosis was valid. I would always say that I had “ADHD traits” but felt like claiming the condition wouldn’t be fair on those people who’d waited years to have it diagnosed by a medical professional.
I’ve since realised that if you’re on a diagnosis journey, that means that you have enough traits to warrant investigation. I hear people now saying that they think they’re neurodivergent, but they’re not formally diagnosed. It’s such a hard place to be in, when you know, but don’t feel qualified to say it for certain.
It took around 18 months to get my first diagnosis and another 6 months for the second. Having the diagnosis and the resources that they sent with it has helped me to explain my needs to other people. I would never have asked for the things that the report suggests, like clarity, structure and flexible working, because all my life I’ve been trying to fit in with the majority. But it’s ok not to. That’s what I want people to know. Different isn’t less. Ask for the support you need, diagnosis or not.
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